Ai No Kusabi Volume 8

“Now it was all clear.

The truth of it all.”

This is my first post for 2014!!! YAY! *contains some spoiler*

I’ve just finished reading the last book of the legendary series “Ai No Kusabi” and it took me quite a while to write this review. I’ve been waiting for the book to arrive for more than a month and at last, I got it today! I quickly started reading it despite the fact that I was supposed to be working on something related to school stuffs but I couldn’t stop myself from opening the book and start reading it.

As you may know, volume 7 was released last 2012 and it took me more time than it should to be able to acquire a copy of volume 8. I wouldn’t go through the details of it but it took time to be able to buy this book outside akadot.com. The shipping fee was too much for me so I waited and waited for them to release it officially and quickly bought a copy from an online shop which offered a cheaper price than akadot. 

Anyway…

Horayyy! My Ai No Kusabi collection is now complete! These are my priced and treasured possession and I love it more than any other. Ai No Kusabi will always have its own place in my heart that no other BL novel or manga can take away. It’s a masterpiece, a classic and a very beautiful yet tragic tale of love and submission. And I think Ai No Kusabi is one of those early piece of art that strengthened the foundation of the yaoi genre.

Let’s go to the book…

I have the same opinion in regards with the translation quality and art of the new edition of the series as I have in volume 7. My greatest disappointment is once again, Aisha being a female in this volume. I won’t go in that topic again; please read my post about Ai No Kusabi volume 07 if you’d like to know. When I received this book and opened it, I was feeling somewhat sad but at the same time excited. Excited to be able to at last read the ending of the series for the first time. I felt sad because I knew that this only means one thing; Ai No Kusabi is done and after this book, no more follows of the story of Iason Mink and Riki. For me who loves these two to no ends, I feel like I’ve completely surrendered to the tragic end of Riki and Iason’s life. Maybe I’m just being too sentimental but I just can’t help but be affected with these series. As I have always claimed, Ai No Kusabi is one of the main reasons why I love yaoi.

There were a lot of details that were different from the 2-episode OVA and it would be a waste to miss those events in the book. In this volume, I was able to discover the “faces” of the gang member of the Bison not as an underling but as Riki’s friends. The things they would do in order to find truth and how they’d deal when reality slaps them in the face. As always, Iason’s Blondy persona was as inscrutable and dangerous as ever in this book but the hints of his “human” self would slip into the surface every now and then. Writing this review is different as when I was writing my review about volume 7. In that one, I was very enthusiastic and jolly because of all the feels that volume gave me. But now, I just can’t explain myself clearly even though I’m trying hard and writing this later wouldn’t be any better. Volume 8 is just very heart-breaking, tragic, and sorrowful yet Iason’s raw emotions and his undeniably genuine love and care for Riki was something unforgettable. In this volume, I saw how “Human” Iason can be despite the fact that the only organic part of him was his brain. Just imagining Iason’s beautiful face contorted with worry and rage over the things that happened to Riki, who would have thought you were being shown a humanoid machine built to serve a computer named Jupiter?

One thing in this book was also how ignorant Riki is of his own effect to Iason and how he has not thought that there must be something else, some reason why Iason was so eager to bind themselves with each other. Maybe his experiences with Iason clouded his thought but I am happy that things are somehow clearer to Riki now.

In the scene where he was abducted by Guy and were confronting each other, Riki was trying to push Guy using words Guy wouldn’t want to hear and wouldn’t be able to accept. Yet more than anything, he couldn’t identify anymore if he was saying it because he had to cut his ties with Guy or because it was the truth.

From there on, the pattern of the events went on like of that in the 2-episode OVA where Guy tried to kill Iason and himself and I was reading it with drumming chest and I was gripping the book hard because I knew where it was going. I knew what would happen next and then there were tears in my eyes as I read at the same time relived Iason and Riki’s final moments. I imagine the look of astonishment in Iason’s face as he saw Riki coming back to him, choosing him and being with him until their last breath. It was really painful for me and I was so sad but knowing that in the end, Iason at last have Riki all for himself and that even without the pet ring that bind them, they were bound by something more than a master and his pet, I had the courage to smile and be happy for the both of them.

Just look at how Iason was so relieved to see Riki okay! 

I am so happy for Iason despite how everything ended. At the very end, Riki came back to him in his own free will.

I would have loved to know how the Blondies would deal with what happened, especially Jupiter but the short parts of Raoul, Katze and Guy, living the reality of losing Iason and Riki seemed more than enough. What would happen to that world, one can only wonder. Perhaps, life would go on without any big difference or maybe it would somehow change their system a little, it is left for us to imagine. Or maybe not. As for me, let just say I imagine that somewhere out there are Riki and Iason with genuine smiles on their lips.

Compared to my post about volume 7, this one came really gloomy and I wanna say sorry for that. I’m just having a hard time expressing my feels but I know if I did better it would be much worse than the gloominess and sentimental of this post.

Another thing…I was literally screaming “where the fuck is my lemon?!”; “what the fuck guy no! not yet! Give me my lemon first!!”; “where the fuck are you iason?! I need my lemon!!.” “LEMONNNN!!!” because yes as you’ve guessed, no lemon for us. Though Riki explained to guy how he and Iason were like in bed in details so I kinda forgave sensei! J Yoshihara-sensei, again thank you so much for this amazing novel! You are awesome and I hope to read more of your works in the near future! DMP please publish sensei’s other works! please!

“Do you know what Ai No Kusabi means? It’s an ancient term, it means something that binds two things together.”

“It might be that they could only live by pitting their pride against each other. Maybe it was predestined that way.

It might break your heart, but there’s love that can only be expressed the way they lived it.
Between those of us left, there is nothing to share. The only certainty is that we are the only ones who can speak of not just how they died, but how they lived.”

–Katze to Guy

P.S: posted this later than I intended because I fell asleep after typing this review.lol

Shiiku Gakari Rika

So I just finished reading “Shiiku Gakari Rika” which is the main story of “Tetsu x Rika”. It is unfinished and sad to say the mangaka herself listed it that way. I am really disappointed and I really wished for the mangaka to continue it but that’s impossible now. The readers such as me would be left with nothing but imagining any possible ending of this beautifully crafted story. I have always adored Modoru Motoni-sensei’s so much more when I had read TetsuXRika. I always had a change of mind everytime I tried to read Rika the Breeder because of TetsuXRika. That manga left me in awe, of sadistic joy and at the same time sorrow of why things had to end that way.

                The story is left unfinished but it was a good read. People might despise Rika but he has his reasons and I don’t hate him for what he has become. However you look at it, Rika’s main goal is to destroy the system—for the “salon” that robbed him of his days of tranquillity to cease to exist and Hotarou is the proof of that. As what Hiro made Rika to confess, Rika hates to have sex. I think he only loved sex when it was with Tetsu but because Tetsu was haunted by his mother’s rape and death, he wasn’t able to understand Rika’s feelings. But maybe, if after Hiro hears from Anji what really happened to his brother, then he might or might not protect Rika as how Rika wanted it to be.

I want to know what will happen next and how will things between Hiro and Rika end! I want Rika to destroy that system that took his and Tetsu's heart apart and completely destroy their lives. I want Rika have his peace of mind again this time with Hiro in place of Tetsu. Rika only loved Tetsu and wanted him to look at Rika not as someone desired by everyone or like Tetsu's mother but as Rika because he is Rika. 

                Now I’m wondering, had Rika let Tetsu diminish his title as the “President” because he couldn’t have him or was it because of the torture he experienced under Tetsu? I believe that he only wanted Tetsu to quit and go out of that school because he was starting to break. And since Hiro isn’t a dumb kid, I think he will understand the situation. He himself knew the nature of his brother and what his brother can possibly do. Either way, it was the psychological trauma that they are suffering that lead them to what they have become.

                After everything what I can only say is that it was beautiful. The twistedness of the story, the intense feelings of hatred, vengeance, love and suffering. Both prequel and sequel are worthy of praise and worth reading.

Summary from mangaupdates:

Shiiku Gakari Rika-New boy Natsume Hiro comes to a boarding school unlike any other school in existence to solve/resolve something that happened in his past- but even that fact takes a while to emerge.
The school is a hotbed of bullying and rape kept slightly in check by a feudal organization called the Salon. The Salon protects its members from random abuse by specifying who can/must rape whom (yeah, there are must rapes here) under what circumstances, and punishing those who rape/abuse without proper permission. All this to be decided at the whim of the Salon head.
Sex at the school is both an overwhelming obsession, as befits an all-male society where there are no other outlets for stress, and a matter of down-and-dirty power politics, not unlike an American jail.
When you throw in the Byzantine institution of the Salon, you have a scenario reminiscent of the surrealistic, closed, hothouse world of British boys' schools. But the Rika world is even more bizarre than that.

Genre: Adult, Drama, mystery, psychological, school life, tragedy, yaoi

Let Dai by Woon Soo-yeon -- a review

It’s been a while since I’ve written a review for a manga that I’ve read. This time, it’s for a manhwa entitled “Let Dai” by Woon Soo-yeon. Manhwas really amaze me for the deepness of their stories and how they tell beautiful and sorrowful tales that could drive you into it. It was like you are a bystander witnessing the events of the lives of people and you just couldn’t help but get drawn to every phrases and scenes in it. This manhwa is really something that caught my feelings and thoughts into a whirlpool of emotions and I just love how the manhwaka created the story of these people involve. Especially the two persons who imprisoned my heart with their love so pure and true. I love how they fought with each of their own weakness and beliefs to set things right but at the same time trying to protect the love they have for each other. The events in their lives might have been very painful and confusing as well as tricky and injustice into their eyes but they strived hard to protect what they want to treasure and cherish. As the manga continues and I was reading it, I couldn’t help but feel sad and sorrowful for the life lost and for the pain they felt. These youngsters are just like us in our teens, trying to figure out life and love but at the same time finding out how cruel the world can be.

Dai is someone who was trying to live his life according to his own understanding and judgement, that’s when he meet Jaehee who swept him away. The meeting wasn’t something that special but it was the beginning for them. The start of an endless trials and overwhelming emotions, the start of their love for each other. The story left a very deep impression on me especially how the author put such deep and meaningful words. I avoided reading this manga for quite a long time since it was labelled as tragedy and oh boy how tragic could this manhwa be? For me, the tragedies happened deep in the characters hearts as they strive to continue life with the will to grasp what they want the most—and for Jaehee and Dai, it was to stay together forever. The words uttered by the characters are so moving that I couldn’t help but feel every words spoken.

 

The art is very good that it gives every scene real beauty and emotions. I have always adored manhwa style arts and this one is one of them. Just like the rest of the mangas I made a review, “Let Dai” is a struggle for both these young males to view love as something that isn’t defined by gender. I just love how they showed each other how they love one another simply because they love each other and that’s it. They wanted to be together despite all the obstacle ahead of them—because they feel love. And for them that is the most important thing. I couldn’t stop but wish for a love the same as this, yet I feel like I wouldn’t be able to endure the hardship the same as them.

The friendship borne are real despite the distasteful events that happened. This manhwa teaches readers a lot of things such as the importance of life, the sorrow of those who are left behind, the struggle of those who wished to be heard, the pain of those who longed for happiness, and that love will always find a way. For quite some time, I have given up on the word “love” but now I am able to believe in it again. Not just because I know I’ve already matured a little, but because of the stories that I get to read just like this manhwa.

In the end, without giving up, they will always find a way of achieving happiness in life. The road might not be that easy but they will get through as long as they believe. The ending of the story shows hope—hope to oneself and for others, and of course, that Jaehee will find happiness together with Dai wherever he is.

Summary from NetComics:

Set in a soulless neo-Seoul ruled by young punks and pleasure seekers, an amoral teenager named Dai is the living embodiment of the city's beauty and cruelty.

As the leader of the vicious Furies gang, Dai seduces everyone who lays eyes on him, only to blind them to his own barbaric nature. When an honest schoolboy named Jaehee rescues a beautiful girl from being mugged by the Furies, he can't possibly realize how this brief encounter will plunge him into a downward spiral of unbridled passion and unfathomable pain.

From his brutal gang initiation to an unspeakable act committed against his girlfriend, Jaehee wavers uncomfortably between revulsion and fascination. And in Dai he finds a tender, caring friend one moment and a heartless sociopath the next, awakening strange and unhealthy desires in Jaehee that he could never before have imagined.

Genre: Drama, Mature, Psychological, School Life, Shoujo, Shounen-Ai, Slice of Life, Tragedy  

Shisei no Otoko

By Aniya Yuiji

There are many forms of love and a lot of ways to show it. We often have to choose which is which, to do your duty or to escape from reality. In this manga, Shisei no otoko, the story of love was portrayed in different form. A love that chose to save it by doing the rightful duty and a love that was cornered and was left with no choice but to run away. It pains to know love that doesn't always have a happy conclusion. There are a lot of trials that would go right through it and ruin the fragile thing into pieces. Shisei no otoko by Aniya Yuiji-sensei depicted the inevitable tragedies that hinders the love between people who were so trapped into the reality of their role. A cop and a yakuza, a master and a faithful dog, living in a world with full of unwanted veracity.

Upon reading this manga, at first you wouldn't notice how deep the story is. With its beautiful, artistic strokes distinct in its own style, you would have thought that all is well. But then as the story progresses, and you get halfway confused and halfway amused, the revelation would sink in painfully in your mind. I felt very sorry for all four of them. One was left to dream of happy expectations and lovely feelings while the other one has to live with a heavy burden upon him. It was really a very beautifully sad love for the four of them but the feeling it brought down my throat to my chest was like peaceful melancholy. It didn’t made me cry but the the heartfelt emotion was there. i really like the story and even though I had hoped for a happy ending, love isn’t just as easy as that.  

Summary:

From Nakama:

Three men bearing tattoos are Peony Katagi, Buttercup Mutou, and Mad Shark Nogami. They are all involved in some way with mystery man Kubota. Is there salvation for these men who live on the underside of society?

In the final part of the tattoo series, "Everyone's Song," forty-two pages drawn specifically for the occasion, all the stories come to a conclusion.

Two extra stories are included in this collection. In ‘Spring Love’, the object of a man's one-sided love turns into a vengeful spirit every night and visits him. "Dream's Guidance" has also been added to this special collection.

Genre(s) : Drama, Mature, Supernatural, Tragedy, Yaoi

New York New York manga

Okay, let me just say this first. This contains some spoiler so be warned and if you don’t want to be spoiled, just read the first paragraph. The plot of the story was really good, it showed the point of view of the society of how Taboo homosexuality was during the early days, as well as the characters involved and their inner private point of view of themselves. In this manga, “New York New York” by Marimo Nagawa-sensei, Kain was a closet gay and was afraid of being discovered because of circumstances like bigotry, which we couldn’t deny that is still present at this modern period. His struggles and indecisiveness was shown descriptively and the changes afterwards after meeting Mel took a great part in reforming his beliefs and feelings towards himself. I believe that his strong emotions led him to weigh which was more important to him and made him the person he became. Sensei made a very nice elaboration expressing the step by step actions the character made in reaching the person who could proudly say and admit his sexuality. The art was good and I was really satisfied with it because I believe that it fit perfectly to the setting and the characters. I strongly recommend that you read it guys.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written something about the mangas that I’m reading. There’s been a lot that happened and I’ve been very busy but anyway. At first I didn’t thought I would come to write something about the manga I’ve just finished reading. The title is “New York New York”. When I had put it into my bookmarks or let’s say when I found it and saw that it was labeled as tragedy I got the feeling that I didn’t want to read it for a while so it took me a little more time to have the courage to read it. I’m really easily drawn to angst but even though it’s like that, I still avoid reading them sometimes but I always ended up reading them anyway. While reading NYNY, I thought “ah—I have to prepare myself. I need not to attach myself to the character too much because this manga has a tragic end”. But then while reading it, I just couldn’t stop myself feeling affection towards the characters. The feelings they have for each other and the strong desire and hope during the trials they were passing through was really great that I always thought that it was such a waste for it to have a tragic end. I had already braced myself for the tragic end but then as I continued to read the story and got out of that particular dangerous and scary scene, I thought, “Maybe it was labeled as tragedy because there were a lot of killings”. I was really happy that there weren’t something like Kain dying or Mel dying in that traumatic events. When I was reaching the end, the story took turn and it made me happy of the development of it. They were very happy despite the traumatic past that had happened. But what really moved me was the great love they had for each other; that despite what they had been through, they were able to stay together and be truthful to each other. I love the character of Kain, strong and willful. I love Mel’s gentleness and the way he looked the future with a smile and was able to cope up with everything. Really, but what moved me to tears was the end of the story where, at their old age, they were still as lovely as the newlyweds they were, loving and tender to each other, that despite one leaving, one was able to accept and continue life. I love it so much. Especially the last scene where they were both reunited, I couldn’t control my emotions I cried so much because I was sad yet happy at the same time. Now I’m really happy that I read New York New York. It was an amazing experience and it has been a long time since the last time I cried over a manga (a few days ago, I cried over a novel tho it wasn’t as bad as this time). So anybody out there, I’d recommend your read New York New York as well and witness such an amazing story about homosexuality, murder, acceptance, hope and specially, a love so strong it could  conquer even as dangerous as life and death. 

summary from mangatraders:

Kain Walker is an admired and appreciated policeman of New York of all his colleagues. By fright at disappointing his fellows and also being discovered, Kain hides that he is gay and refrains from any coherent relation... until the day when his way crosses that of Mel Frederics, a calm and soft young man at the dark past. A meeting which is going to confuse their life.

Genre: Action, Drama, Psychological, Slice of Life, Tragedy, Yaoi

An adult love story about two men and agonizing longing. . .

Kyuuso Ha Cheese no Yume Omiru [The cornered mouse dreams of cheese]

Sojou no Koi wa Nido Haneru [The carp on the chopping block jumps twice]

By Mizushiro Setona

How far will a homosexual relationship within a straight man and a gay man go? What trials will they have to pass through in order to stay together? On top of that, what are the true feelings that well up inside a straight man’s heart in this kind of relationship? Will he fall completely in love? Or will it end up as just a passing emotions that will eventually disappear as time goes by?

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Kyuuso Ha Cheese no Yume Omiru v01 c05 - 146

A complicated love and longing. A perfect representation of how homosexual relationship struggles to attain happiness. A kind of tale that shows how emotions can control and lead people to their limits. And of how difficult love can be. This is the story of two adult men, Kyouichi and Imagase, a straight man and a gay man together in a relationship of twisted feelings.

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Kyouchi’s dilemma leads to his indecisiveness and cowardice towards their growing relationship and with the women coming into him, such problems just gets more complicated. His feelings are always half-hearted and that’s why having affairs with women has always been easy. Imagase’s obsession on the other hand, leads him to understand and accept Kyouichi’s infidelity and continued to stay with him. But everyone has their own limits and the love he has for Kyouichi struggles to the point of breaking down.

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Sojou no Koi wa Nido Haneru c03 - 131

As I’m reading these mangas, I have understood the feelings of despair and dilemma of a straight man in a gay relationship and of the feelings of responsibility of having such happiness and comfort. But of course, relationships just don’t deal with only that. In this 2-volume story of Imagase and Kyouichi, the true feelings of a straight man are revealed. His own point of view and perspective of how a homosexual relationship operates.  I love how the story develops and of how the characters suffered in their own indecisiveness and fear. I love how the feelings grew and how they’ve struggled to control their emotions. The story is a beautiful and painful tale that I even had teary eyes while reading it. The mangaka is very good. I love the plot, the emotions and the art. These two volumes of Imagase and Kyouichi’s love story and longing is a must read! Witness their relationship from the start til the very end.

DOG STYLE— let’s stray around!

“Why don’t you be my pet?”

I probably haven’t had so much fun laughing and silently screaming like an idiot cheering for a manga. I just love the story and the character so much I wanna cry. This one is so amazing I can’t move on. It started so great and as it continues, I can’t help but be enthusiastic and so lively while reading the manga. I first got interested with this manga when I saw a few manga caps on tumblr and then I thought, “This looks great! I’ll read it soon!” Then it turned out so much more than what I expected. Its comedy, adventure, angst, drama, romance, etc. And it has a lot of steamy hot sexy sex! I can’t stop drooling! LOL.

This is the first manga I read made by Modoro Motoni-sensei and I can’t help wanting for more! I want to read more of this kind of badass bittersweet love story that contain a lot of action and sensual scenes. I got mix emotions that I haven’t felt for a while when reading mangas. Anyone who has read this manga will surely understand what I’m talking about! I mean, dude! This is a total package!

I like Chiaki and Miki so much I think I’m going to ship them forever! XD Chiaki’s smile is so cute and Miki’s such a turn on as well! Who would have thought they’d end up in that position? Kyaaaaah! Chiaki’s cock is so big! It’s so full inside Miki’s mouth! Oh my I’m turning into a total pervert because of them both! XD

How the relationship between the main and the other characters are portrayed very well and that it’s very true in real life. The jealousy and protectiveness they feel for each other is so strong and heart-warming. That’s what true friends are for right? Even though they’re total idiots, it just shows how strong their friendship is. Oh well, I also want to say that. FUCK THAT BITCH WHO ALWAYS GET BETWEEN THEM AND SHE MUST GO TO HELL! I hate girlfriends like that. I mean, what the hell do you know you bitch?! Anyway . . . let’s leave that mask-wearing goldfish out of this.

Therefore, in conclusion, Dog-style by Modoru Motoni-sensei is one of a helluva manga that a manga lover/yaoi lover shouldn’t miss! The title really suites the story so well! Thumbs-up for the mangaka! And before I forget, the original story was by Erio Oka(current pen name is Miyaho Oda). I haven’t searched about this mangaka but I will soon. J I guess whoever that person is; she’s as great as Modoru-sensei as well! XD

Summary from Mangatraders.com

The series was named after the doujinshi "Dog Style" (Slam Dunk) Modoru wrote in 1994

"Miki Terayama saved Teru from getting roughed up by some punks. They're both in love with other guys... but one thing leads to another, and they're fooling around. Teru acts like a stray dog that hasn't been fed in ten days. He consumes Miki's love quick and rough and that can be quite a pain in the butt!"

The first manga volume is absolutely hilarious. If you are looking for some smut and some humour at the same time, this is for you!

Mina-san! Don’t just idle there then! Read DOG-STYLE and let’s go wild! :D

P.S. I even vandal my table paper cover nonsense shits while reading this manga. LOL. Take a look!

SOLIFORM

This is an original short boy's love story I made. Enjoy reading! :>

The room was already filled with my noisy classmates chattering about their long vacation when I arrived. Semester break has just ended and here we are again preparing for the second semester of our 2^nd year life in college. Nothing changed; the ambience with us gathered around was still as lively as I could remember. Compared to some of my friends, I’m a little timid and sensitive but though we had different personalities, being with them gave me self-confidence. I’m happy though there’s something deep inside me, a hole that has been there for I don’t know how long already. What would it be that could fill up this hole and make me complete?

As I sat in my seat, I noticed some of my classmates were surrounding someone and happily giggling.

“It’s a transfer student. He already attracted the class’ attention since he arrived this morning. On top of that, he’s cute. Hmmm. No. Drop-dead gorgeous was the right word. ” My friend Jae said chuckling.

Out of curiosity, I unconsciously turned towards the direction of the newcomer, and then suddenly in an instant, our eyes met. In a split of seconds, it felt like the world around us went black and there were only two of us. I couldn’t understand the feelings that rushed through my whole entity. The mysterious dark eyes of the stranger captivated me. Am I the only one who felt the mystique within that person? Then unexpectedly, he smiled enchanting every nerves of my body making my blood rushed to my cheeks. My heart pounded crazily it could have wrecked my chest. That was very insane. How could my system react that way towards a stranger and on top of that, a descendant of Adam?

I didn’t know that that was just the start of the cartwheel turn of events of my somewhat plain life.

“So, we should first consider the basics. Let’s start gathering ideas and then we’ll wrap it up for the concept paper. This isn’t going to be easy since I think that obviously we have different themes in mind. What do you think? Should we follow yours?” Nick asked. He was standing behind me leaning forward; his face was so near mine that I could hear the rhythm of his breathing.

“N—no, I— I think it’s more creative if we merge our ideas. That might be a little difficult but I believe we—we could do it.” I stammered as I tried to calm myself. Being near him overwhelmed me. I still could not believe that this person talked to me in an unconstrained manner and on top of that, he’s my partner.

“Haha! That’s a good idea! I should do my research now, see yah later!” he conceded as he smiled charmingly that could melt anyone just by a glimpse of it. The undeniable exquisiteness and charisma he possessed couldn’t be compared to anyone I knew. Before he left, he nuzzled my hair giving me shivers. My cheeks burned in embarrassment, he has been like that since the moment we exchanged names and I couldn’t bring myself to act normally around him.

I could still remember clearly, how that gentle hands first touched a part of me that same day of his being a transfer student.

“Hey, I’m Nick the new student. What’s your name?” he asked. I didn’t noticed him approaching for I was so occupied solving a sample problem from the book. I was surprised for the unexpected notice he’d given me. I froze for a moment and timidly replied.

“Sean—I’m Sean.”

“Nice name. hmm. Your hair— I wanna touch it.” Without waiting for my consent, he touched my hair admiringly, tracing it up to the tip. The moment I felt the warmth of his hands against my hair, an unknown emotion crept up to me.

“I like your hair, it’s a little long but it suits you.” again, he smiled with his dark mysterious eyes gleaming. I couldn’t read what his expressions wanted to convey. The vagueness he had been emitting prevented me to understand what those enticing smile meant that it left me flabbergasted.  

Starting that day, he kept on shortening the distance we had each day. He didn’t seem to be a transfer student at all, the way he talked and seek out for my attention, everytime he nuzzled my hair, his body language and all. It seems like he was acting that way only towards me, or am I misunderstanding things?

I just couldn’t abate my gaze everytime those thin lips of him curl to an intoxicating smile. It gave me little shivers when those eyes of him met mine, the electricity he transmits as he gently nuzzle my hair swirling it to his soft fingertips and the heart racing voice he have while he talked, all of him confuses and at the same time enthralls  my whole being.

God, please help me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m going to melt as these unknown emotions keep devouring my consciousness.  

One month passed by quickly and at the same time, a friendship swiftly developed between the two of us. What brought this relationship to its state were because of the time we spent together during school days. Our project collaboration that we’d done successfully, his continuous pestering for me to keep his company which I found rather amusing, those times he enjoyably nuzzled my hair that always sent cascading happiness to me secretly, and a lot of things that even I couldn’t believe it had been happening. 

“Hey, Sean, I really envy you for being able to freely hang around Nick. My, he’s so obsessed with you. We can’t even get half of the attention he gives to you.”  Jae pouted.

“Idiot—what do you mean? It’s not like I’m asking him to do so.”

“Yeah, yeah. You changed too, but in a better perspective though. You smile a lot now and enjoy the things around you especially when you’re with him. Both of you stands out a lot, and looks good together.”

“Really?” Her words made me smile.

“Hmmm. If you’re not a guy I might think both of you were an item.” She joked while eliciting a teasing smile.

“Dummy! That’s so impossible. Quit it already!” we both laughed. But the thought of us being an item gave me a warm feeling though it was abruptly changed to coldness. It’s impossible. I thought.

The benches situated at the rear of our school building became our hang out place. We spend our free times together at one of those benches but unlike how others spent it, we didn’t drink alcohol or use cigarettes. He would play PSP while I read books. Sometimes, he would sleep with my lap as his pillow. These were the times I treasured most for I could watch him unreservedly while his in deep slumber.

“Hey, I told you not to use my lap as your pillow. It might be fine for you but it looks weird for others. They might get the wrong idea.” I scolded but deep inside, I was pleasurably feeling the moment.

“Nah! I don’t really care. Just let them think what they want.” He paused and suddenly sulked. “Does it bother you when I sleep in your lap? Or are you more bothered of what people might think?”He sulked like a baby while snuggling at my lap giving me a tingling sensation. I tried to hide the joy inside me and calmly abated my eyes.

“It’s not like that. Any of it doesn’t bother me at all.” The sense of relief came to his face after hearing my assurance. He gently smiled and a moment later, he drifted to sleep.

How I wish for time to stop so we could always be like this. My chest feels like burning with the flames of happiness. Is this feeling what I’ve been looking for? The one that could fill the hole inside of me?

The next month of our growing friendship was crazier that the previous one. Our bond reaches to the point were seeing each other became our daily routine. I never thought I could be so attached to a person like this. During weekdays at school and weekends at either of our apartment, we were inseparable. We usually watched movies during weekends and make our assignments and projects together. Even though he’s a kind of a loud person, I surprisingly found studying with him more comfortable. With my world turning rosy and dreamy, my heart just kept on asking for more. Something even I myself couldn’t identify.

If all of this were nothing but a dream, I wouldn’t let myself wake up for this was something I just couldn’t give up.

“Hey Sean! Wake up! Psssst!”

“Uhmmm… “

“If you’re not gonna wake up now, we’re going to be late!”

“What the?—did I fell asleep?” I mumbled as I rub my eyes with my fingers.

“Uh. Yeah. It’s morning already. You didn’t even finish the movie last night. I’m going to shower first, good thing I brought my uniform with me yesterday.” Nick quickly strode towards the bathroom half-naked. It’s crazy but my eyes were locked staring at his beautifully sculpted back. Then abruptly, he looked my way and smirked.

“What? You found me sexy?”

“I—idiot!” My cheeks burned in embarrassment and I threw a pillow towards him to hide my reddening face. With a loud laugh, he ducked and entered the bathroom instantly. I could feel the flush in my whole face while still hearing his melodious laughter.

“Shit! My heart almost jumped out my chest! This is bad, so fucking bad.” I mumbled as I rose up to fix our breakfast. As usual, I prepared his favorite food, sunny side up with pork tocino and dried fish again while still in deep thoughts. The foods were all set in the table when I heard him calling my name. I hurried upstairs as I answered his call.

“Yes? What is it?

“I forgot to bring the towel, could you please get it for me?”

“Okay. And oh, breakfast’s ready.” I looked for his towel in his bag and took it to him in the bathroom, and then suddenly his cellphone rang. Without thinking, he rapidly opened the door and in front of me was his shiny wet body all naked and dazzling. It was an intense scene that the shock made my hand move swiftly giving him a hard shove and losing his balance but before he could fall in the white tiled floor, he unthinkingly grabbed my hand ending us both stumbled with each other.

“Waa—waaaaah! What are you doing! Get off me! Get off me!" I screamed on top of my lungs panicking. Our position was so uncomfortable that my mind was in chaos and I could feel my body reacting at the same time.

“Ow—ouch! I bumped my head! Hey, quit it. You’re tearing my ears. And you should be the one to get off me. You’re the one on top.” He grinned in a teasing manner.

Realizing our indecent position, I quickly moved my body away from him. “Oppps! Sorry.”

The cellphone rang again and he quickly got up. He took the towel from me then left the bathroom massaging his head and with a sorry in a middle of a huge smile.

Still in a stunned state, I sat in the wet floor in the midst of shaking as the image of his naked body kept replaying in my head. Then suddenly I felt my blood rushed to my groin and in awe, I looked down.

“What? . . .I’m up?”

That day, I was in total despair that I ended up being scolded by the teacher repeatedly for not paying attention to the class. 

A few days had pass since that incident and Nick seemed troubled. I doubted that it was because of the bathroom incident that he’s acting that way. A rationale came up to me that the cause of it might be that phone call since I noticed his change of mood after answering the call. Asking him appeared to be as a bad idea so I kept my questions to myself. However, fear was in my heart for an unknown reason. Then one ordinary day while we were in our hang out place, he gave me a book.

“What’s this?” I asked in a puzzled tone and stare at his face then once again, I saw his dark mysterious eyes that in a split second I thought were conveying something to me.

“Hahaha! A book of course!” He replied lightheartedly.

“Dummy! I’m asking why you’re giving this to me. I can see that it’s a book of course. I’m surprised that you even own one.”

“Well, I just thought that the title’s interesting so I bought it. It’s been with me for some time now.”

“Eh? The title?” Confused, I read the book’s title. “SOLIFORM—eh? Soliform means resembling the sun or sunlike right?”

He charmingly smiled and said. “Yeah, for me you’re just like the title of that book, a sun that lights up my everyday shining and giving me energy with my day to day life.”

“Hahaha! You’re corny you know!” However, it honestly made me so happy hearing those words from him. I didn’t voice that out. For what reason, I didn’t know.

He chuckled. “I wanna sleep.” My lap became his pillow just like the usual but before he totally closes his eyes, I noticed something. “For a moment I thought I saw a deep sadness in his eyes.” I spoke silently. 

“Sean!—Hey Sean! Let’s go. You’re sleeping again! Hmmmp! Being a smart ass seems so easy to you that you even just sleeps in classes. Hurry up! We need to catch up with the library; it’s going to close in a few minutes.”

I opened my eyes languidly as I straighten myself in my seat.  A few seconds and reality became evident as Jae’s banters kept hurting my ears. A deep sigh escaped my system as I mumbled.

“That dream again. I keep having the same dream for some time now.”

“What did you just say?” Jae demanded.

“Nothing. Let’s go. I’m hungry; I wanna eat sunny side up with tocino and dried fish after we finished borrowing books in the Library.”

“Hahahaha! It’s gonna be dinner soon and you wanna eat breakfast foods?”

“I just missed eating those. I’ve been eating noodles every breakfast for a while now.”

“Man—that sucks!” She laughed as my thoughts wander deep within me. My dream made me remember about the past again. The bittersweet feeling of the past seemed to be still lingering.

It’s been two years since the day that I felt like my world crumbled to my feet. A weekend after the day he gave me the book, I waited for him to happily call and say that he’ll gonna crash in my place again. I waited and waited but no call from him came. At first it didn’t bothered me. But then Monday came, I was ready to banter him for not coming or even calling me the day before but he didn’t appear. I tried calling him but the phone line had been cut. Not knowing what to do, I waited until the end of the day with the thought of him just scheming something to make fun of me. Sunset came and there were no signs of Nick. The next day I inquired at the registrar’s office only to find out that he had already dropped out from the school the week before. Devastation along with the pain of treachery succumbed my entire self as I mourn the loss of him. I lost my will and energy to go to school and I stayed in my apartment for almost a week still waiting for the impossible to come, for Nick to come back to me. I wept, spaced out and even tried calling him repeatedly. The helpless me then realized what Nick was to me. He was my beloved. The one I had been searching for to fill the hole inside of me, and with the relationship we had, perhaps Nick felt the same way as well. Why did he have to disappear? Why did he leave me behind? Those were the questions left unanswered as the empty days pass and the pain of unrealized love burdened my heart. After sometime, I finally decided to clear my mind and go to school. As I tidied my things, a book slipped in my bag and fell on the floor with a bang. I almost forgot about the book he gave me, I slowly sat on the floor and reached for the book, flipped it and read it. Immersed in the story and the nostalgic feelings it brought, I decided to skip school again and continue reading the only solid remembrance Nick left behind.  

Soliform, it was a story of two lovers who were so in love with each other. It was a forbidden love and both families were against the relationship. The couple fought for their love for each other and just like the living things in the world that couldn’t exist without the sun, they couldn’t exist without each other. One was the sun of the other, the source of life and warmth, the center of their life just like the sun as the center of the universe. They portrayed each other as the sun of their life.

I cried like a baby when I had read a phrase from the book so similar to what Nick said.

 “Just like the sun in the wide vast sky, you shine so beautifully and enchantingly. You gave me life in my everyday and energy as I live my way. Without you, I’ll be in dark misery together with my heart as it breaks away.  So my love, please don’t part from me, be the Soliform and light me as I walk the blackness of life with thee.”

After reading that phrase, the face of Nick appeared in my eyes with his alluring smile as the sweet words of that day rang in my ears. Tears begun to flow as pain pierced my heart like a sharp knife. I continued to read the book with trembling hands and as I reached the end, Nick’s handwriting appeared before my very eyes. In a short phrase, he conveyed to me his true feelings.

“The Soliform of my life—Sean. The moment you read this, I won’t be around anymore but I want to tell you my true feelings. I love you with all my heart just like how Sean feels too. J”

With those words, I wept filling my empty room with my loud cries. For those times with my unrealized passion towards him, he had already discovered my true feelings for him. Yes, I loved him with all my heart and maybe even now I still do. It’s been two years without any signs of him coming back. What might be the reason of his sudden disappearance, I still didn’t know. He never once said anything about his past nor his family. Perhaps it was because he had an ugly past or maybe he just didn’t want me to know anything at all. Whatever it was, it didn’t matter now.

“Sean!—Sean! You’re spacing out again!” Jae’s voice woke me in my deep thoughts.

“And you’re too loud Jae.”

“Hmmmp! It’s because your mind kept on wandering somewhere. Let me see the books you borrowed.”

“Here, just don’t take it with you.”

“Okay, I won’t.—Sean, let me look at that one too!” She pointed at the inside of my bag as I took the books out.

“I always see that in your bag. Don’t tell me you still haven’t finished reading it?” Jae asked. I took the book out and held it to her.

“Soliform? Weird title.”

“It means resembling the sun or sunlike.” I answered.

“Oh~ it looks old but interesting.”

“Yeah. . You should look for your Soliform person soon Jae.” With a smile, I whispered.

“What?” She perplexedly asked.

“Hmmm? Nothing.”

For that short time, Nick became the sun of my life. With his presence and warmth, everything around me became bright and lively. The sunlike Nick became the center of my life and his disappearance made my life dark and empty. However, the memories we shared served as my guide to pass through that dark path enabling the broken me to gather my pieces and start again.

In my thoughts, the hope of him coming back or me finding another to love in the future still lingered. However, what I’m so sure was that deep in my heart, there’s only one brightest Soliform in my life, Nick.

How about you, have you found that someone who resembled the sun in your life? Have you found your Soliform?